Shame

Have you ever felt shame? 

Do you know the difference between shame and guilt?

Shame is a feeling of being not good enough, thinking you are bad in some way, or feeling that you messed up. Shame is focused inwards, at self. 

Guilt is almost always focused on feeling bad about behavior that may have impacted others.

When we are shamed, our brains react as if we are facing physical danger, and as children we may feel a need to disappear, or try to become invisible. 

I know that my parents, not knowing better, because they were not taught better, often shamed us while they were trying to teach us. Shame is a common, unfortunate parenting tool, leaving the child feeling that something about them is just not good enough.

When other people resort to shaming, it is often because they are trying to feel better about themselves, or feel like they are more in control of the situation or they are trying to feel safer in their own environments. This shaming behavior can often be fueled by anger.

Shame can come from times when social norms that we believe in, may have been violated.  In these times we may feel regretful, and humiliated; we again feel like we want to disappear. We may feel shame if we cheated on a test, or treated a friend badly.

Shame can also come from blaming oneself for abusive events and experiences, replaying the events over and over again. For example:

Children naturally think that everything is all about them. So they have a natural tendency when things are going wrong to think that it is, or was their fault when parents are unhappy.

When children are unable because of size or age, to stop abusive things from happening, they may feel shame and carry that forward into adulthood, often looking inward and judging themselves with undue harshness. It's very important to revisit the events and realize that they, as adults now, may have been able to have some control over the situations, but as a child they were unable to. Forgiveness of that young child is so important. 

Once we can resolve those feelings of shame, there will be greater peace and ease moving forward. 

Signs you have shame

-You could be feeling overly sensitive

-You feel unappreciated

-You may feel used

-You may feel rejected

-You may worry about what others think about you

-You worry that you aren’t treated with respect.

Helping you to heal from shame.

-It is important to acknowledge your feelings. 

-Be kind to yourself, talk to yourself like a friend. 

-Decide what you are not responsible for

-Actively forgive yourself.

-Get support from someone you trust.

If you need help with any shame feelings you may be having, please reach out.